Earthquake?

Grab your Go Bag.

Tsunami turns into a hurricane?

Find your Go Bag.

You ran out of ranch Wheat Thins and celery with peanut butter and two armed robbers just broke into your house, possibly wielding automatic weapons?

Go Bag it.

Rika, what’s  a Go Bag?

Silly reader, a Go Bag is a shady duffel bag full of cash that you grab in case of emergency. It has passports, firearms, permits for said firearms, maps, credit cards, bank statements, a digital camera, etc. It’s the thing you have under your bed, in your closet, in your trunk, under the floorboards, or in your air conditioning vents.

Packing the Go Bag is a time-honored tradition among those of us who would like to survive, if, y’know, there’s an emergency. Which there are. All the time.

Rika, what should I pack in my Go Bag?

That’s not the right question to ask. The right question to ask is “What SHOULDN’T I pack in my Go Bag?” Because really, if you want to be prepared you’d pack everything. But sometimes you need to pack light.

Remember, you’re going to need different types of Go Bags for different types of Emergencies. I always have two packed and ready to go at all times.

This isn't a Go Bag. Silly reader! This is a First Aid Kit!

GO BAG ESSENTIALS

Every type of Go Bag should have these ingredients.

• Water: You can only last three days without water, so pack lots of it! That way you have more time to work your survival magic.
• Food: This is a no brainer. But remember, if you bring canned food, bring a can opener. It’s not funny when somebody starves to death with a backpack full of canned corn and pineapple.
• Water Purification: Face it, even for you bodybuilders, water is pretty darn heavy. Water purification will allow you to get clean water anywhere, anytime.
• Currency: Now I’m not just talking about cold hard cash here, anything of value will work. Ammo is PERFECT if the apocalypse is around the corner. Haven’t you seen a zombie movie? They go through rounds of ammo like nobody’s business. But, if you’re traveling overseas, you might want to pack some foreign currency. Sure, you can exchange US bills, but what if the currency rate is terrible? Also, packing  gold or silver is a good idea, because it always will have more value than green paper.
• Matches: When man discovered fire, his first exclamation was: “Oh, man, this would be an AWESOME addition to my Go Bag!” Because it’s fire. Seriously. Want to ward off wild animals and/or zombies? Build a giant bonfire. Electricity won’t exist forever if zombies take over.
• Maps. If you get lost, you might not want to ask the zombies or other undead creatures roaming around town. Their directions are worse than your spouses’ directions. And, chances are the GPS isn’t working.
• Hygiene products. Like toothbrushes, toothpaste, and bars of soap. Y’know, if you have to go skinny dipping in a river. An apocalypse doesn’t even have to happen for this to occur. Swimming naked in nature can be oddly empowering. Not that I would know.

Always good to have in your Go Bag. Image by Amagill via Flickr.

GO BAG #1: Fleeing the Country/Long Term Go Bag

So you got on the wrong side of the law. Maybe you’re getting framed. Maybe you’re being hunted by the CIA. I don’t want to know. Well, you’re going to need to leave, fast! To make your slick intercontinental getaway, here’s what you’ll need:

• Passports. It would be ironic if the only thing stopping you from leaving the country is not having a passport opposed to being arrested for something you did.
• LOTS of International Currency/Gold/Silver. What if you have to pay off a security guide to not arrest you? Money buys freedom sometimes!
• Credit Cards. Travel is expensive!
• Hair Dye and Eye Color Changing Contacts. Everybody knows you have to change your identity!
• Two different jackets. That way, if you need to look like you brought a change of clothes with you, you have two different jackets to wear to mix and match. And they help if you get cold.
• Hotel sized shampoo/conditioner/lotion, etc. Say thank you to your friendly neighborhood terrorist today for making airport security incredibly annoying! Since you’re going to be in and out lots of airports and still need hygiene products, you’re going to have to get lots (and I mean lots) of the travel-sized size so you can bring it on your carry on. Because you don’t want to part with your Go Bag. EVER.
• Language translating device. Χρειάζεστε αυτό. Quick, what does that say? Your life is DEPENDING on it! ….see? That’s why you need a translator or a language book. So you can read Greek signs that tell you which way Disneyland is.

GO BAG #2: Flash Go Bag

Now I call this the Flash Go Bag not just because it can be used in case of a flash flood, but it helps you leave as quick as possible (you can leave in a flash! Get it?) when you can’t get to another part of your house to grab another of your more substantial Go Bags. This thing travels light, but its got all the essentials to help you survive until your home is safe again.

This bag is good for when burglars/murderers break into your home, the plague is sweeping through the city, the undead have broken into your house while you were sleeping, or your ex is back in town.

• Gun. Preferably one you know how to use. And don’t forget lots of ammo.
• Flash light. Because… if you’ve got to leave in a flash… you need to have your flash light! Get it?! And because flashlights are just as cool as puns. And don’t forget spare batteries unless you’re really high tech and your flash light is solar powered.
• Condensed and dehydrated food. Because canned food is too heavy. And dehydrated milk is just so yummy.
• Flares. You need to communicate to the world that you’re leaving your home, or that you’re the last one alive. People need to know because you’re so awesome at surviving, right? And everybody knows when you survive something you get famous. Unless you’re Jeff Probst. Then you’re just famous because you’re you.

I doubt the world really will end in 2012, but it never hurts to be prepared. Well, there are a few things you will need (And they’ll be good to have even if the world DOESNT end ;D) This list is compiled of all the basic necessities.

1. Chocolate. Lots of chocolate. It’s brain food.

2. Water. lots of that too. Sure, it doesn’t taste as good as soda, but it grows on you.

3. Pink Tasers. You will need 2 of these. one real, for kicking bad guy’s butts in self-defense situations and one for metaphorical purposes.

4. Notebook(s) and pen(s). These are to record all the things you theortically taser yourself or others into doing.

5. A good book to read when your bored.

6. Music, to accompany that book reading.

7. Tennis shoes/sneakers/whatever you want to call them. If the world ends and you’re left alive, my guess is your going to be doing a LOT of walking and a considerable amount of running.

8. Last, but indubitably NOT least….CHUCK! The best tv show around, alive today!

Well, thats about it. Later, everybody!

*Love, Sarah*

In any disaster movie, traffic is ALWAYS awful. People freaking out, trying to get somewhere, and the highways are backed  up for miles.

Tips:

• Back roads are your friends! Out of the way roads can help you get somewhere more quickly than the clogged freeways. Just watch out for gathering zombies!
• Don’t waste any time- get to where you need to be fast. *Cough cough a store cough cough*
• Always keep a full tank of gas! Or, even better, get an electric car. Good for the environment, AND for saving money when gas prices skyrocket!

Hoodlums hijack your car? Can’t get to an airport? All nearby choppers currently in the sky? Here are some alternate transport methods!

• Ride the waves! Get a boat, wave runner or SOMETHING to get where you need to be.
• Public transport. Most likely buses and subways won’t be running. But hey- depends on the kind of disaster!
• Ride your bike or walk. Yeah, yeah, we know, this can be problematic. ‘specially with all the chaos going on. And not to mention zombies. Unless you have a chainsaw on hand, we recommend you traveling in pairs if you absolutely MUST walk or ride a bike.

Stay tuned for more apocalypse tips!

This tip comes from my favorite Twilight Zone episode, “Time Enought at Last”. In the episode, the main character is the last person on Earth after a nuclear attack. This is good news for him though, because now he has enough time to read. But then, at the very end of the episode, he breaks his reading glasses. Ironic, I know.

Today’s tip is not “Don’t Break Your Reading Glasses”. No, actually today’s tip is “Hiding in a bank vault is great for nuclear explosions”.

That’s why securing a job as a bank teller is oh so important in your job to survive the apocalypse.

Also, making sure you have something to do once you survive the apocalypse is very important. Especially if you happen to be the last person on Earth.

If you get the chance, rent some of the Twilight Zone series. Yes, they’re old. Yes, they’re in black in white. Yes, the effects are cheesy by today’s standards. But hey! They offer some tried and true ways to escape being a victim of something ironic. And irony is stupid. So is Karma.

-Rika

Inevitably the end of the world is going to come. And the end of the world calls for elaborate and questionably legal maneuvers to survive! …for a little while, anyways.

Whether the threat may be from flesh eating zombies, natural disasters, creepy religious cults launching a terrorism attack, nuclear bombs, or war, there is one place equipped with all the food, water, and $154 tiger striped electric guitars you could ever need. Yes, I’m talking about those big brand, huge stores that sell everything. Especially the ones that sell chainsaws and lawnmowers. Those are especially good for zombie attacks.

Photo courtesy lanuiop via Flickr

Now, there’s a couple problems that you could run into that may put you and your fellow survivors in danger:

• The “Every Man For Himself” mindset. Just watch War of the Worlds. People turn animal when they are trying to protect what they have, and that friendly neighbor down the street will gladly eat that dog that is always on his lawn. Teamwork is essential if you’re camping out in a big store! Especially when there’s limited food and it seems like it’s going to be a loooonnnngggg time until the end of the world finally begins.
• Windows. They’re nice. They bring in sunlight. And some people get all depressed without sunlight. But do you know who else likes windows? That’s right. Zombies.
• Temperature and air quality. Yup, if an asteroid hit the Earth, the dust is going to make it hard for sunlight to warm anything up. Anyone who has asthma, stock up on inhalers!

With all the escalators, you'd never get bored! Pic by 'rick' via Flickr

Now sitting around and doing nothing while waiting for inevitable doom can be boring. Here’s some things to help pass the time!

• Try your hand at being a stand up comic! If your store that you’re camping out in has an intercom system, take turns with the other noble leaders of your distraught gang of survivors to see who can make the most people laugh.
• Play faceball. It’ll help ease the animosity that comes with waiting out impending doom!
• Make a garage band, if you’re somewhere that sells guitars and drum sets! Or, you could make a movie if you happen to camp out somewhere with an electronics section. There are a lot of possibilites depending on the need of weapons to battle zombies and which store you’re in!

And if, by some stroke of luck, you find yourself prepared with knowledge ahead of time about an upcoming meteor or zombie attack, you can select what kind of store to take shelter in! Here’s a breakdown of different kinds of stores:

• Sporting goods stores/hardware stores. GREAT for zombie attacks because of all the possible weapons and if you get bored there are plenty of exercise balls and workout trampolines, but other than that these are not a very good place to try and wait out any disaster because of that tiny problem with starvation.
• Superstores that sell everything. The bigger the store, the better! The more food, the longer you’ll be able to stay alive in lower danger situations. Not to mention how cool skateboarding and riding bikes down the aisles of stores is. You could even coordinate races to ease stress and have some good ‘ol friendly competition. These are the best stores to camp out in!
• Electronic/book/clothing stores. If you get trapped in one of these, you’re doomed. At least you won’t die of boredom. Unless you end up in a clothing store.

Which store do you think would be the most useful place to survive in?

~Rika