Apocalypse Tip: Superstores

Inevitably the end of the world is going to come. And the end of the world calls for elaborate and questionably legal maneuvers to survive! …for a little while, anyways.

Whether the threat may be from flesh eating zombies, natural disasters, creepy religious cults launching a terrorism attack, nuclear bombs, or war, there is one place equipped with all the food, water, and $154 tiger striped electric guitars you could ever need. Yes, I’m talking about those big brand, huge stores that sell everything. Especially the ones that sell chainsaws and lawnmowers. Those are especially good for zombie attacks.

Photo courtesy lanuiop via Flickr

Now, there’s a couple problems that you could run into that may put you and your fellow survivors in danger:

• The “Every Man For Himself” mindset. Just watch War of the Worlds. People turn animal when they are trying to protect what they have, and that friendly neighbor down the street will gladly eat that dog that is always on his lawn. Teamwork is essential if you’re camping out in a big store! Especially when there’s limited food and it seems like it’s going to be a loooonnnngggg time until the end of the world finally begins.
• Windows. They’re nice. They bring in sunlight. And some people get all depressed without sunlight. But do you know who else likes windows? That’s right. Zombies.
• Temperature and air quality. Yup, if an asteroid hit the Earth, the dust is going to make it hard for sunlight to warm anything up. Anyone who has asthma, stock up on inhalers!

With all the escalators, you'd never get bored! Pic by 'rick' via Flickr

Now sitting around and doing nothing while waiting for inevitable doom can be boring. Here’s some things to help pass the time!

• Try your hand at being a stand up comic! If your store that you’re camping out in has an intercom system, take turns with the other noble leaders of your distraught gang of survivors to see who can make the most people laugh.
• Play faceball. It’ll help ease the animosity that comes with waiting out impending doom!
• Make a garage band, if you’re somewhere that sells guitars and drum sets! Or, you could make a movie if you happen to camp out somewhere with an electronics section. There are a lot of possibilites depending on the need of weapons to battle zombies and which store you’re in!

And if, by some stroke of luck, you find yourself prepared with knowledge ahead of time about an upcoming meteor or zombie attack, you can select what kind of store to take shelter in! Here’s a breakdown of different kinds of stores:

• Sporting goods stores/hardware stores. GREAT for zombie attacks because of all the possible weapons and if you get bored there are plenty of exercise balls and workout trampolines, but other than that these are not a very good place to try and wait out any disaster because of that tiny problem with starvation.
• Superstores that sell everything. The bigger the store, the better! The more food, the longer you’ll be able to stay alive in lower danger situations. Not to mention how cool skateboarding and riding bikes down the aisles of stores is. You could even coordinate races to ease stress and have some good ‘ol friendly competition. These are the best stores to camp out in!
• Electronic/book/clothing stores. If you get trapped in one of these, you’re doomed. At least you won’t die of boredom. Unless you end up in a clothing store.

Which store do you think would be the most useful place to survive in?

~Rika